What to do when Paralysed by Fear.
Do you ever have moments when you know you need to act, but you are frozen with fear?
Perhaps there’s a deadline approaching, and even though you want to get started so you can finish the project, you’re just… stuck in procrastination, or frozen in “not knowing”.
Perhaps if you’re in business, financially you need to start making some moves and creating some more business… but you are just stuck in the vision and the feeling of running out of money, and everything not working.
Perhaps you’re going through some relationship complications, with friends or lovers, and you know a certain conversation has to go down… but you just can’t seem to bring yourself to muster up the courage to say what’s in your heart and speak the truth.
Or maybe, you’ve just busted through a comfort zone, and you’re sitting in the discomfort of now having to do some new things all by yourself… and all those old beliefs are rising to the surface, bringing doubt as to whether or not this was the right move.
Fear is an everyday occurrence. You are not alone in your fears.
I have been having a lot of conversations about fear recently.
What it means, where it comes from, and what people naturally tend to do with it.
And the thing I have learnt from speaking to hundreds of people about fears, and spending a lot of time researching and testing how to bust through my own and help others do the same, is something I hope will help you today.
What I have learned is this:
Humans natural tendency is to resist fully experiencing their fear. They believe that by facing it, and diving head first into the feeling, its’ sure to lead to sudden death. And you’ll get lost in an ocean of panic.
But this is a construct of your mind. Your egoic, crazy-bitch controller of a mind.
Think about it. You’re feeling scared / anxious / resistant / angry about something you have to do (all replacement words for fear by the way). So you go to the fridge. Or you light up. Or you text. Or you complain to a friend. Or you dwell over the problem in an attempt to intellectualise a solution. But this brings more fear, resentment, anxiety, self-loathing. And it doesn’t solve the problem.
There’s a paradigm here I want you to see, before we dive into “how to deal with fear”. And this is way bigger and better than any tactical solution.
You are believing in your mind's thoughts.
And right now, your mind's thoughts are playing tricks on you.
Any time you are in fear or anxiety, you are playing out a situation in your body that has not happened yet, and feeling the feelings of everything going wrong. You are not in the present moment – where all creation and potential lies. You’re somewhere else. When you’re in Anger resentment, guilt, shame… you’re in the past. Same deal.
I’m going to get a little ‘out there’ on you now and say, lets call the “other options” – as in, all the other options for what else could happen once you get out of your funky fear aside from what you’re imagining happening – “love”. It’s a nice umbrella-term. Stay with me. Lets recap.
Why you're here in the first place:
When you’re stuck in fear, all you see is option: Fear. Where does fear come from? Your mind. Why are you feeling it? Because you believe your minds weird annoying thoughts. Why? Because you were conditioned to think that way. (So was I. That’s why we all get fearful when there are unknowns ahead.)
So, instead of giving you “the solution for you”, and because you are very very smart, and so is your intuition, your heart, your inner wisdom, your higher power, your connection to the divine, God, the universe, and all other things we could also call love – I’m going to give you a way out of your mind, and a way back to where you will find a better solution for yourself.
(How good is coming up with your own answers?!)
It's easy. Stop believing your sully thought. They are not helping.
It’s like asking a hungry 4 year old to sit still and floss their teeth. Enter Tantrum.
The truth is, you always know what to do. And the beliefs you hold about your life will dictate how well you show up to your challenges. And as someone who loves to grow and evolve – there will always be challenges in your life. It’s how you face them that makes the difference to your situation.
Having a fear-tantrum every time challenges come up will only give you wrinkles, daaahhhling. The fear will still be there when the tanty ends – only you’ll be mentally exhausted.
So, we have to exit our minds - where the thoughts and fears start.
You will only be able to tap into your innate wisdom, and all the solutions, (ie: Umbrealla-term: love) once you give those solutions some room to enter.
Here's how to do that:
Choose to believe this instead. You can recite these if it feels good.
a) I am always exactly where I need to be. I have to trust in this process and know there's something to learn from the discomfort. And,
b) “Love” did not create this. I am willing to see this differently.
When you have a problem, where does the solution lie?
Not in the problem.
When you need a fresh perspective on life, where does the perspective come from?
Not what you’re currently looking at.
So when you’re stuck in fear-town, having a fear-tantrum and sipping on fear-geritas, where does the courage and decisiveness and willingness come from?
Not fear. Anything but fear. The Opposite of fear. Yes - we’re going there. Love. (Replace this word with intuition / miracles / your inner wisdom / a new perspective / God / getting the f**k outta your head… anything you wish to help you create the understanding).
Trust me on this. The simple act of saying, “Love did not create this” is like a velvet hammer down on the mind.
When you close the door to believing your minds thoughts, you open up the space for new answers. Useful ones – that you came up with yourself, you guru you. Helpful ideas. Calm. Focus. A Decision. A Sign. An Encouraging word from your heart or your gut.
And while I don’t know which fears each new level of challenge will bring for you, I do know that living with trust in “love” over your fears will bring magic to your life. Real time magic. Baby-making, career-making, adventure-making magic. Open-ness. Space. Curiosity. A chance to see the opportunities in front of you – and deep, lasting happiness. This is what happens to EVERYONE who stops believing in their fears. (They start believing in themselves).
Love did not create this. I am willing to see this differently.
Perhaps you’ve never experienced this before – and you think I’m crazy – because the struggle is real dammit! That’s OK! Many people have not.
I invite you to try it. Next time you’re sifting through a big decision, or you’re holding back, or worried… just test it out and see what happens. Like, really test it. Start by diving into your fears and creating a whole lot of anxiety, and then thinking about it for 3 days and watch your wrinkles get deeper…. and see if that helps you come up with a solution.
Then, say, “Love” (or use whichever word you like) did not create this. My smart inner wisdom did not create this. My fear-based mind did. I am willing to see this differently”… and take a few breaths, and choose a new thought.
I’ll be honest – I’m totally being sarcastic with my example, but this is how I taught this to myself. Even though saying these words is easy to do, your mind will play tricks on you, and make it feel hard. We are addicted to feeling fear at times. Even though it doesn’t feel good to sit in fear and anxiety, it can feel safe to our nervous system because we’re used to it – so be patient with your smart self, and trust in that space where you don’t necessarily have a new answer yet, but you know the ones your mind is coming up with are useless.
I’m not giving you a specific answer, because the one you will come up with when you do this is going to be way better than my suggestion – because it comes from you, and it’s specific to you – and you are the one who knows best for you.
Breathe deep, keep repeating the Velvet hammer sentence, and commit to facing your fears and telling them to sit-the-eff-down-and-be-quiet.
You can let me know how you go in the comments.
Love, Hayley x x
P.S – I would love to help you live a life without fear as you know it. To be directed by your fear, and to be energised by your commitment to facing it and trusting that you are stronger and smarter than your fear. Book in here to have a powerful conversation, over a cup of tea with me – about becoming one of my clients.