How to Finally Heal after a Breakup
…when you have tried everything
“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself as it’s most brilliant” - Paulo Coelho
A few weeks ago I received a heartfelt letter from a friend, letting me know she’d been through a breakup, and despite all attempts to let go, heal, and move on, she was still suffering.
What do you do when you’ve tried everything? she asked.
I really felt for her. Maybe you’ve been through something similar? I’ve been there too.
Here’s what I did, I hope you find it helps.
I like to believe - and maybe it’s just me - that life is always serving us up a good dish of what we need, to get where we truly want to be.
Often, it’s a tough pill to swallow. It doesn't always look like a bright opportunity.
Everything is always working out in your favour
(Click to Tweet)
When it comes to relationships, and matters of the heart, reminding yourself of this simple statement, can help you to come back to the present moment and focus on what is in front of you right now.
This is where your healing is going to process itself. In the here and now.
From this place, you can start to apply some of the following tips to start bringing your heart space back to it’s full vibrancy, and opening yourself up to love again — which could honestly be right around the corner!
Be infinitely patient with yourself.
Rushing the heart to move on is like screaming at a little girl to hurry up while she’s trying to learn how to tie her shoelaces. It’s unproductive, and distracting. We aren’t in control of how fast we fall in and out of love.
Sometimes people leave a strong imprint on our hearts which lasts the rest of our lives. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It means they had an impact. This is a beautiful thing. What’s most important is you learn to keep your heart open while you heal.
Every relationship has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Every relationship - even ones that span a lifetime - will have a beginning, a middle and an end. We are born alone, and we die alone. (Except if you’re a cast member of the notebook). People come together in this life to bring gifts and lessons to each other. When we’re no longer in need or service of each other, the relationship naturally ends. Sometimes this is a short span, sometimes it’s a few years, and sometimes it runs deep and lasts decades. None is better than the other - what’s most important, is you live, love, and learn.
When it ends and we feel sad, it’s often because we don’t see the gifts brought to the table for that encounter just yet. You can start here, by thinking about what you both gave to each other in this time - even if it ended badly.
Make your life all the more incredible for having them in it
It is true, opposites attract. Often - as John Welwood outlines in his beautiful novel, Journey Of The Heart - we are attracted to others who bring qualities we desire for ourselves, into our life. This invites us toward the path of unfolding into deeper happiness by using relationships as a mirror.
So when you think about this person you so loved, and what you loved and admired so deeply about them, ask yourself how you can bring these qualities into your own life. Perhaps you loved his gentlemanly attitude and the way he left his phone in the car when he took you to dinner. Use it as an opportunity for you to become more present with yourself. Perhaps you admired his business smarts, and the way he used a team to support himself - maybe it’s time to her some help. Perhaps you loved his adventurous spirit. He got you out of the house - guess what?… yep - time to go on some adventures.
Remember why you were attracted to this person, and bring those qualities to your own life.
Make your life all the more incredible now they are gone.
Take this newfound space in your heart (and in your schedule) as an opportunity to give yourself permission to do absolutely everything you’ve always wanted to do, and haven’t done yet. Write a Bucket List, Pick something, Do it. Book a holiday, take a new course. Start writing the book. Start making that career change you’ve always wanted, change your hair, Learn to cook and host a dinner party with your friends.
One of the most profound things you can ever do when you’re feeling a hole in your heart, is to fill it with joy. I know that sounds a bit cheesy, but you have to remember there’s a whole world out there - and its full of people, experiences, and new potential lovers too. By making your life more amazing by giving yourself permission to do whatever the heck you want, you’ll remember the rest of the world.
Being “single” is a wonderful gift. Use it with gumption!
Stay present by finding gratitude.
Sometimes the healing can take a long time. But sometimes we close off to the world out of fear of making the same mistake, or being hurt again, and we convince ourselves we aren’t over the last relationship. This isn’t true.
You are over it, because it’s over. You’ve simply closed your heart, and you’re living in the past. Instead of looking back on your relationships and finding all the things wrong with it, or with you, and spinning old stories about what you may have done better… come back to the here and now - where theres no relationship.
You might feel sad for a while - don’t avoid it - be sad. It’s part of the process. But don’t rush yourself out of it either. I once tried to give myself 24 hours to cry and get over it so I could move on and get back to work — but the next day I was still sad, and was trying to push myself to pretend I wasn’t. To get through the day, I had to close my heart. This was probably the worst thing I could have done.
Find gratitude for everything you’ve learned, everything you loved about this person, the experience of having them in your life, and the opportunity to call in another incredible human being to share an experience with. Find a place inside of you with even more gratitude for what you have in this moment. The one that doesn’t include this person. Perhaps its for your friends, where you live, your work, the cup of tea you’re drinking, or the fact you love the country or the city you live in.
You are a whole person. Find gratitude for your life, exactly the way it is today.
Don’t let the past define you.
Every human being is different. You will never date the same person twice (especially If you apply these steps!). If you’re feeling hurt, choose empowering beliefs about the world, instead of letting this experience define what you do or don’t do in future situations.
You, as you are today, have more insight into your own life and your desires than you’ve ever had. Your heart has been broken, which means you know what it’s like to feel. This makes you a human. Every other human you meet will have an experience similar. You can let it define you, or you can let it change you, and keep you open.
You always have a choice.
Allow yourself to learn, as you naturally will from finding gratitude, and giving yourself space, what it is you really truly want for your life.Then, give yourself full permission to declare it and then go about creating it for yourself.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is an option.
Take great care of your heart. Keep her open, and soft, and vulnerable, and remember it’s safe to feel whatever you’re feeling today, its’ safe to move on whenever you decide, and it’s even safe to feel vulnerable. Just keep your heart open, and start true to yourself and whatever you need.
Now, I’d love to hear from you. Whats’ the best advice you’ve ever been given on healing and moving on? Share it with us below and lets have a conversation.
Stay Curious, Stay open. It’s the Omega.
Love, Hayley xx
P.S - Do you know someone who’s recovering from a breakup right now? Please pass this on to them if you feel it might help. You never know what a difference it might make just to have them know you’re thinking of them.
