What to Do with a Broken Heart: 5 Tips to Enhance your Heartstrings.
I sat down on the bed. Still spinning that the most intense 3-months of my life had just finished.
Still in another country’s time zone.
Exhausted from an 18-hour overnight flight. Too many stopovers.
Adjusting to the winter after being in an endless Summer for 12 months.
Not caring at all. I was here. Finally.
“Ok… we need to talk…”
What followed... was something that resembled my heart being vacuumed out of my chest, through my nose, dragging my stomach and intestines with it - and my voice box - and most of the oxygen in my lungs. And in a heartbeat it was all swept away from underneath me with a giant wave that changed my future again. Gone.
Sometimes it feels like that.
Quick... Like a bus.
Sometimes it feels like a slow, dull, heavy ache that sits heavy in your chest like a permanent raincloud.
And sometimes it just feels like… emptiness.
It can last a day, or it can last… as long as you like.
And for an intelligent high-achiever who likes to have understanding and a sense of control over her emotions, It’s highly-inconvenient, awkward, and Embarrassing.
Left unexamined however, the ramifications are worse:
You lose your confidence.
You lose your engagement in life, your presence.
You forget who you were before you met this person.
You feel like something has been taken away from you.
You become bitter and cynical.
You do that needy thing.
But that doesn’t work for me for very long. It feels stuck.
What if this could be the very best thing that ever happened to you?
I love Heartbreakers. Yeah, I said that. Because I do. They have a very special place in the world.
I have this heavy belief that runs through everything I do.
Nothing is a mistake.
If something (or someone) doesn’t work out, There's something ahead that’s better. If its meant to be, it won’t pass me by. There’s something to learn here.
The faster you embrace this concept, the faster a breakup can be the best thing that ever happened to you.
And you become instantly free.
Here’s How to Do it, in 5 Simple Steps.
1. Come back to now. Acknowledge your heart is broken, or sore, or bruised. Say it. Honour your feelings. Stop resisting it, and let it flow through you. If you can’t be present with whats going on in this moment, you can’t change your future. It’s OK to be hurt. Acknowledging it is what will heal you, and resolve the feeling. No more shovelling it down and hiding away. Be with this. Its happening.
2. Remember your position in this giant world. Remember in this moment: Everything is occurring exactly as it should. What’s meant to be will not pass you by. Remember, there are no mistakes. Right now, all the things you want, are already being taken care of, and its none of your business. Everything is in motion already. All you need to do is show up every day and be the very best version of yourself, and when the time is right, it will be there, and it will be perfect. Things didn’t work out right now, because there’s a bigger plan. And it’s none of your business. Just keep showing up here.
3. Make some space in your life to deal. Clear the decks and call in support. Let some of your peeps know you’re battered. Let them help you. Do what is necessary to give you headspace, and time-space. It may require surgically cutting this person out of your life for a little while, for the purpose of being able to remain friends later. Or not. It may require freeing up your calendar. Or not. And it may require some strict social media boundaries. And when those old feelings pop up rendering your inability to be in control of the situation, tell them to bugger off for a while. Stay right here. With this.
4. Get the lessons and take Action - There is a lesson in everything. This wasn't a mistake. It's time get present and gain perspective. Observe like an anthropoligist - no judgement. How did you show up? How did they? Was that right, and did it feel good? Why/ Why not? Take responsibility and use kindness towards the both of you. Here's an activity. Take out a pen & paper. Ask Yourself what you loved most about this person. What do you miss most about this person? Write the list. These are serious indicators of things you were feeling fulfilled by from someone else, and not giving to yourself enough. An indication that you forget you are already complete. How can you give this to yourself?
Do That. Now.
5. Forgive and be Grateful. People come into our lives for a reason, and sometimes, just a season. Don’t kid yourself with ownership and entitlement. It was perfect. Get that it was perfect by understanding their reason for being in your life. What do you now know about yourself?
The Forgiveness Mantra: "I forgive you, I love you, and I’m sorry. And, thank you for showing up in my life and delivering everything I needed to see within myself so I can remember to feel complete as I am”. Later Skater.
Having a broken heart is not easy, but when its broken, it’s necessary. So roll with it, and embrace how its going to change you.
Now, over to you, you smart thing you. Even if you’re not currently heartbroken, I encourage you to give this exercise a go. It’s seriously liberating, so it’s fun! Think about a past relationship and practise presence and perspective. Leave me a comment. Which of these 5 steps are you most excited about? Which is the most challenging for you? What are you now going to give yourself, in honour of the living grieved? And what are your favourite strategies for dealing with heartbreak?
I can’t wait to read your comments!
Lots of love,
Hayley “Heart-breaker-lover” Carr x x x
P.S. - It works. And it will heal you