Self-conscious and still here.
I noticed today this little spike in the bottom of my tummy. It was there yesterday, and then I emailed my superfreaks on the VIP list (which you can join here) and then it went away.
Then I noticed it come back again when I started thinking about posting on Instagram today.
There's this little voice saying "You should talk about your program, it starts in a few days!"... but truthfully, I don't like to operate from "should." Even when it makes sense to do it. My inner rebel is all, "f**k you voice, I don't do things that way! Go away, or I'll never open my Instagram again!"
But there's always this external voice going at the same time (that sounds a lot like every teacher I ever had, every bossy coach or mentor in every sport, every university lecturer, every boss...) and there's a lot of "should" in that voice.
We have to catch it. This voice tells me I should be trying harder. I should push myself more. I should name my programs more "market-y" names that sound less cryptic or sound too much like this or that. This voice tells me I should have more energy, I should be further ahead than I am right now, I shouldn't have eaten that... she's a right pain, to put it lightly.
Sometimes she's really loud in my ear at times when nobody would know.
I might be sitting across the table talking to a client, or speaking in public, or running a workshop, or hanging out on the couch considering a nap... BOOM. 'You should be working!'
It's essential to me, you know this about me.
I want you to know because I know you also beat yourself up sometimes for feeling stalled, for not being enough or for not having it all figured out right now. You beat yourself up for not saying this or that or maybe not doing enough, for not being ready, for going too slowly, for taking so long to get the lessons or whatever that pain says.
You can still do it.
You don't require an absence of fear to show up and do the thing.
You require an absence of belief in that fear.
Maybe that fear is a great sign you're right where you need to be - and more on track than you'll ever know. Maybe, if you give it a whirl for a moment, you'll meet yourself in a new light.
You'll get to experience yourself as a triumph over what you previously perceived as reality; your fear.
You will realise you're not alone, and in fact, it's more than normal, it's necessary for your growth. To realise once and for all, what fear is; false evidence, appearing real.
OK... Confession time...
Sometimes when I'm driving down the highway on the Vespa, I imagine running into a truck and my blood and guts going everywhere, and how sad it would be for Jamie getting the call that an accident had happened. What would happen to my business if I just didn't show up one day and then the sad news came out... YIKES! And then I PULL My brain back into the moment, and come back to the breeze, the freedom, the sunshine... and enjoy the ride.
I once asked Mr J if he ever thinks the same thing. "Yep!" he said.
I felt so relieved.
We all have choices.
Sometimes these fears creep in, like in this very real example.
But sometimes it's when you're looking at your bank account, you freak out because you don't know where your next big paycheque is coming from - and then you start imagining being left in the street and never ever ever getting ahead and always struggling.
Sometimes it's late at night when you imagine something terrible happening in your relationship because you had a fight that day. Or that you'll always be alone forever and you'll never move out of your share house and have your cottage.
Sometimes it sneaks up so unexpectedly in the middle of a moment of bliss... like say, when you've hit a beautiful new win or success in life, and your brain chemistry dives into the story of...
You're not a freak. It's normal.
What's not normal... or rather, it is normal, but should not be normal...is the EPIDEMIC of believing that because you think a bad thing you're going to manifest bad things.
The Epidemic of not realising that you can choose your thoughts, and your beliefs, and your visuals, to match what you desire.
And that sometimes, when you're riding a vespa and you casually drift off into the awkward visual of how that guy who broke your heart all those years ago would feel when he finds out the bad news about your vespa accident and... you get the point... YOU CAN CHOOSE AGAIN!
In the moment.
While you're doing the thing.
While you're laid up in bed with tears rolling down your face and the saddest song EVER playing.
While you're staring straight into the face of your boss.
While you're on stage midway through a song...
You can choose again.
Choose to tap back into that feeling you where you started. That feeling you signed up for. Choose to tap back into that visual of it done and dusted, and better than planned. Choose to connect back into the heart of it, the why, the ultimate dream.
Choose to tape over that movie with a really good recording.
Choose to believe the opposite or the bliss-fuelled option.
You have a choice.
Every minute of every day.
Even midway down the awkward visual rabbit-hole.
You have a choice.
Honouring, accepting, and using that choice,
Every minute, or every day, in every way.
That's the difference that makes the difference.
Stay Curious, Stay open.
The life you crave is so much closer than you think.
P.S - This? This choice I'm talking about?
This is being Programmed to Win.
This is freedom. This is resilience. This is knowing what to do in a sticky situation. This is figuring out the "how."
It's the beginning of Programmed to Win, actually.