On Being the “Breadwinner” in your relationships

Hayley Carr - Life coach. On Being the “Breadwinner” in your relationship |  Photo Credit: Stephen Packwood / Unsplash

This month we have my favourite day ever.

International Womens Day.

I love the events that go on all around the world to celebrate and bring together women from everywhere - out of the office, out of their homes, all to gather together in celebration of, well, women at this time of year. (Go girls.)

Today, in honour of the fact that women are now starting to finally see their roles in society (in many places - we still have so much work to do) as different to what they used to be. Women are starting to generate their sense of purpose, To thrive in collaboration, business, and in unapologetically taking greater care of themselves so they can show up fully to their work, their relationships, their families.

We are seeing a rise in female entrepreneurship and collaborative businesses - socially conscious investment and leadership, and new standards in the workplace being integrated to support working mums and women in leadership.

There is still a long way to go, as women - still - are not being paid equally to their male counterparts, but we can't deny the awesome work that is being done.

Today we are taking the conversation a little deeper - into how we can start to look within at the reasons why we may subconsciously be throwing away our opportunities to make more money, going for what we want, and leading the charge when it comes to income in the family.

While equal pay has a lot to answer for, I feel that it’s disempowering to think that's the only thing we are waiting for to change before we will see the results.

Today’s video takes a deeper look into what some of our subconscious programming is around women and money, and what WE can do (as men and women) to shift our mindsets and make sure we are completely aligned 100% with welcoming in what we say we want.

Ever wondered what might happen to the household running if you let it go and go for that promotion?

Ever thought about what a pain in the neck paying more tax might mean if you go out and make more money?

Ever questioned if taking your career further might remove other options from the table? Like travel? Or kids?

I’ve got you covered.

I often see so much guilt, shame, and fear around this subject. Many of us have grown up in a time where this wasn't only unheard of, it was often shunned for a woman to be the breadwinner of the family, and today there’s a fair amount of resentment in women who are the breadwinner, because we are holding on to beliefs about what els we should be doing as well.

It’s time to change that, and let go of the guilt. Lets get into alignment

Can’t Listen or Watch? Here’s the Transcript:

Hello and welcome back. Today's topic is a juicy one. It's something that I see so much charge and emotional charge for women in and its around money and being the breadwinner in the relationship.

So my intention here today is to bring a little bit of light and positivity to this to the topic contribute to the conversation in a way that might give you a little bit of a miracle in the form of a shift in perspective that might help you whether you currently are the breadwinner and you're feeling crap about that or you're preventing yourself from being the breadwinner because you fear what that might actually mean for you. And that's a very real fear as well.

So there are two prongs to this kind of story and I'm going to explain both of them and what can happen with both and then I'm going to talk to you about a distinction that you can use to help you overcome this block.

So Denise Duffield-Thomas is a money coach and she helps women overcome in many blocks around especially around making more money. Now if you're someone who is recognizing a belief in yourself or fear like some negative story around becoming the breadwinner because you're scared that if you become the breadwinner that's going to mean something different, then this ones for you.

Money blocks for women can happen in so many different forms and specifically around making more money. The ones I hear the most are “ if I have to make more money then I have to start paying off that debt or I'm going to have to you pay more tax or I'm going to become the breadwinner of my family and are going to be making most of the money and it's more responsibility and that just has a whole lot of like yucky meaning for me.” So the fears that I see the most around that kind of experience around what if I become the breadwinner is this kind of mentality around like contribution and even distribution of the contribution in the relationship.

If I make more money and I'm bringing in the bacon for us then I'm going to be doing everything, raising kids and I'm going to be cooking the dinner and cleaning the house and doing all things and looking up to the whole farm and I'm going to feel overwhelmed and stressed and resentful and that can be kind of scary.

The other fear can be that it emasculate your partner or if I do this and I become the breadwinner I might get addicted to the money and I won't be able to do other things, I will have the golden handcuffs on or I will be chained or I won’t be able to live my life or go traveling or something that I love or have a family because I'll be building my career. Right.

So perhaps you've experienced yourself in a fork in the road where you been offered a promotion or a new job and it sounds really exciting and really good and you’re really pumped up because you want to do it or starting a business or whatever but you realize that the further you go down this path it's taking you away from other things in your life that you want to do like taking off with a backpack and travel around India for while or have a family or move to the country.

So these fears can come up around developing your career and committing and going in 100 % because it means that you will be having more responsibility and take charge and you might miss out on something.

Now the other hand it is the other kind of prong is where I see women who are the breadwinners and they're resentful and they're frustrated and they're tired and angry because those beliefs in a way are playing out in the form of feeling guilty around asking for help. Or having a conversation with the one that you love around you're getting support and contributing in a different way. Just exactly what you need or feeling guilty about letting go of responsibilities that you don't need to do like cooking and cleaning and that you can afford and wanting to be a supermom or super woman and be able to take care of everything and look fine on the outside like everything's fine.

But I really want to just cry because you're not fine.

So you might be in one of those two places or this just might be an interesting thing for you to be paying attention to but the distinction around this and the way to start to realigning yourself and your body so that...

you're not afraid to go deep into what it is that you want and
you're not afraid to make more money and
you're not afraid to start being your biggest boldest brightest most beautiful and abundant self

…is to start asking yourself this question. Well here's the distinction.

It's called the genius of the act.

So many of us believe that if we go further down one path we're going to not be able to go down another path and experience other great things that we're here to experience in this life. And the reason behind that is not because it's true. The reason behind it is because we believe that we live in an OR world. As in I could have this or that. The genius of the ‘and’ is about asking the important question of

“How can I have both?”

“How can I have it all?”

And I know we all want it all and we all want it now and sometimes it all happened at once. But you can, you absolutely can, stylize and tailor make your life so that you can experience everything that you choose in this lifetime and you can do it quickly. It might not look like the way that you think it's going to look like but it will come to you when you're open to the genius of the and. And it might look like going OK.

I'm the breadwinner and I just realized I can be the breadwinner and feel supported by hiring extra support so that I leverage my time.

I can be the breadwinner and feel supported and go traveling and have a family and not worry about whether my partner works or not because I can choose to believe that the more money I make the more I can support others and the more I can support myself and making informed and fierce and really confident decisions about what I do with that money. So it's about reframing and asking yourself if I go down this path.

How can I experience both this? and what it is that I want?

It might mean asking a different question or asking the same question in a different way or being a little bit cheeky and a little bit bold and saying how can I have this and only do it in four days. Well how can I have this and you know have a family and whatever and make the money that I want to make.

There are always answers. So your inner most wise self will start to guide you towards those answers, they're going to be different for everyone. It might just say to you - you need to let go of the guilt and actually start taking care of yourself in the way of support and hire that support, or it might be a case of going - you know what, you have to actually have to go for it and make the decision when you get there and learn how great it is to be someone who's contributing to her life in the fullest way.

So I hope these little tidbit has started to get the cogs turning. If you've ever fears that situation if you put the glass ceiling over yourself and stop yourself from making more money and really showing up being whoever it is that you are destined to be in life.

If you have any questions please post them below. If you like this video please like it.

Subscribe to my channel and if you really really think that you know someone who would love this place forward it to them in an e-mail and say hey you know here's a conversation that I think might be great to start thinking about.

Now I have a dare to you as well. Leave me a comment below and tell me if this resonated with you. And if so why. Tell me what you think your limit is or what you're struggling with. And let's hash this out in the comments below.

Thank you so much for viewing. I appreciate you. I'm so grateful that you're here because you here to live a life that is bold and vibrant and adventurous and happy. And I'm here to support you to do that.

Bye for

Now!

As always, Stay Curious, Stay Open. You are the Omega.