Get better at comebacks in conversation
Are you anticipating a difficult conversation with someone? Whether it’s an unresolved tension in a personal relationship or asking your boss for a pay rise, these conversations can be challenging. We often anticipate what the other person will say and just don’t know what to say in return.
In this episode, I continue the theme of understanding your subconscious and…
…break down some NLP techniques to help you foster the art of conversation and have great comebacks.
I talk about understanding the presuppositions of language and listening deeply to what someone is saying underneath their words. I discuss why specificity is so important and how bringing the conversation back to the specific situation will always help you.
Communication is more than talking. If you truly listen, there are many ways you can steer the conversation.
See below for a full transcript.
Don’t forget to go to the bottom of this page and let me know in the comments any questions or what you think or just share the love on social. Thanks
Podcast transcript.
Hello, welcome back to another episode of Superfreak. So last episode, we talked about values levels and the episode before that we were speaking about lineage shifting through our language, in our presence, in our awareness. And I'm going to continue the theme of understanding our subconscious and doing new things with it this week and talk about how to have great comebacks.
So someone asked me recently, on a call, one of my clients said,
'I've got to have this really uncomfortable situation, conversation that's coming up with somebody, and I kind of know what they're going to say, and I don't know how to respond. And I feel I feel like in these situations, if this person says this, I don't have a comeback for it. So I'm really nervous about the conversation.'
And I mean, I see this thread, commonly in different conversations, you know, with clients who are;
asking for pay rises,
people who are communicating with family members,
or asking for things in their relationship
going for jobs,
talking about something that is not working either in a business or personal relationship
and the conversations, you know, often we can see them going really wrong. So we don't want to begin them.
And my client said to me,
‘Can I please have a really great like, Haley come back for what I should say if they say this?’
And I said to her,
‘Well, it's not really a Haley come back. It's a understanding the presuppositions of language come back, which is an NLP term.’
And presuppositions means what is presupposed? In the language, you see, it's really easy to have a great comeback, when you're not just listening to the words someone is using, but you're listening to what they're really saying, underneath those words, like;
what is assumed in those words?
What are they making up in those words?
What are they telling you that they believe to be true about…
…the whole world
or about you
or about them,
or about the thing you're talking about, in those words,
…that we may or may not be already really aware of, or we might not be aware of what we're believing.
So when you can be aware, and listen deeply to what someone is saying. Do not get so caught up in the story or the attack or the whatever it is that they're saying directly to you and take it on a surface level, if you can hear what they're saying, underneath, you can hear what is presupposed or some you might say, assumed underneath what they're saying….
…And if you can speak to a human being at that level, you have multiple different pathways, you can take a conversation.
The art of conversation, right, I feel like the art of conversation is very much being lost in recent years, I certainly used to use an excuse that I wasn't interested in small talk, to get out of having chit chatty sort of conversations. But I think the art of conversation goes so much more beyond having small talk with human beings and therefore getting deeper with them. It's about understanding the art of communication with human to a human.
Communication, speaking to more than just what we're saying, when we communicate. So the presuppositions that someone is speaking into the world are the things that they are assuming to be true. So when someone says something like, 'you always do this' language pattern, right? A language pattern of 'always,' that's called a universal quantifier.
It's kind of like a, it's a word that has an absolute or a universal absolute generalization. Like never, always, every single time.
You always interrupt me, always do this. And understanding that pattern when you hear it, instead of responding to what the person says, like you always do this and saying, ‘No, I don't.’ Or ‘that's not true.’ Or ‘I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I always do this.’ ‘I know I always do this,’ you can respond with hearing what they really said,…
…which is universally quantifying that there is not ever one time where I've never done this or when another person has never done that. And really bring back the language to being super specific about what you're actually talking about.
Because in arguments and in and in heated conversations, when the emotions get wound up. We tend to make statements that generalize things and we reveal what it is that we truly believe. And so if you can hear those patterns underneath what we're saying you can respond to the pattern, instead of the charged conversation or the assumption.
So when someone says,
‘You always interrupt me,' you could respond with- 'always,? Do I always interrupt you?'
And it brings back the, I guess, you hit the ball back into the tennis court on the other side, and a person would have to go 'okay, no, not always.' You might say, 'why do you choose to only notice when I interrupt you?' Now, it sounds like I'm arguing in this, but my point is,
...when someone makes a universal quantifier like this, you want to check if it's 100% true.
Like it's best to do this. 'You always do that, you never you never clean up, you never do the dishes. Really never? Why do you only choose to notice when I don't do it?' For example.
One of the most common ones is a language pattern called cause and effect. And it's when we have kind of linked an event and an outcome. So you make me so stressed out. Right? You make me sad, you make me so angry.
What's happening is a person is putting you and anger or stressed out or whoever it is that they're saying he or she or they make me so angry.
It's like they're placing two things in the same category and going they are together, they go together.
The point of I mean, the point of having a great comeback, is about listening for, like I said, what is presupposed underneath, so that you can take the conversation almost play like linguistic tennis with a human being. And I'm not, I'm not saying arguing. I'm saying we're asking for more specificity. So we can get down to it.
Now in coaching. When I'm coaching somebody, and they come to me with an idea about the world or about themselves, around a situation, about a colleague, about a goal that they have that they feel like it's just not working, I'm always looking for more specificity, like, what's the problem underneath it?
So if we can really get to the heart and specificity of what it is that you're saying, we can either change it, or we can be glad that we've actually found what is specifically going on.
So when someone says, ‘he makes me so angry,’ you can say like, ‘how specifically, does he make you angry?’
But another response is bringing responsibility back to the person that you're talking to you like, ‘How does anything he does cause you to choose to feel angry, or stressed?’
By the way, I don't always advise using a comeback like that, because it can make you sound like a bit of a jerk. But there is a time and a place.
And when you're in rapport with a human being, getting specific with them, allows you to play linguistic tennis.
The key to having a really good comeback to a human being, and obviously, I'm not going to go through every single language pattern that would be a course in and of itself, right, but the key to understanding is firstly,
…recognizing where you're feeling emotionally charged by what a person is saying, because it stops you from listening to the presupposed assumptions underneath what a person is saying. And instead has you listened to what they're saying, and you might feel a certain way about what they're saying, instead of exploring what's underneath.
So the first thing is to get yourself into a state of calm, power, presence.
And from there, really, really listen without emotion to what someone is telling you and..
…look for words that you can almost latch on to and question to get more specific with them.
So doctors do this really well. You know, you're coming as they are like, I have this problem with my, I'm tired or this is going on. And they'll say okay, they'll know that there are four or five different reasons why that could be and I'll start to cross them off. But when someone comes in and goes, I'm just not sure I'm just very I'm really tired. Like, it could be anything. But we know that from that word. There are specific questions that you might ask the human being that would determine more clues about why they might be tired.
So we're always trying to get more and more specific. And you don't need to know you don't need to actively know what all of these language of specificity patterns are. It's just about having a certain stance of presence, to be able to listen to a person and not always just hear what they're saying, but hear what's underneath it what they're saying.
You see, the art of conversation gets lost, not only in our inability to kind of have small talk with people but in our inability to listen.
And that is the key piece here when you are trying to obtain an outcome in a conversation and someone throws something into the mix that is emotionally charged, perhaps a little bit offensive, a little bit distracting even, one of the keys is being able to stay on par with the aim of the conversation without getting emotional. And from there, with your presence and with your power, being able to question what a person is saying to you, so that you can get more specific about what it is that they're actually referring to when you get to the problem.
The problem well stated is a problem half solved already.
So this is something I love about coaching, because it's a skill that you learn as a coach. But I know that a lot of coaches struggle with - what if someone says something to me, and I don't know how to respond? Sometimes as a coach, we can start to believe that we need to know more than our clients, we need to know more than the people that we coach, we need to be smarter than them or one step ahead of them.
And it couldn't be further from the truth really, as coaches and as human beings, right, so is this I'm using the coaching metaphor here. But it's really not just about coaching.
Because if you're in a situation where your you want a pay rise, and one of my clients was in this situation this year, actually, there was an embargo on pay raises, and my client deserved a pay raise her pay rates have been put off from the year before, other people in her firm, were getting pay raises. And she was not happy. She was one of the most top performing people in the workplace. And there was an embargo put on pay rises. So she was going for a pay rise in a time where nobody was supposed to be getting pay rises.
And she really had to change the perspective of her leaders to help them see that they were going to lose money by not taking care of her properly, by not acknowledging the work that she had done. And she had to really appeal to their values, appeal to the parts of them that they had, let her see through the conversation, that it was not in their best interests to ignore her request for a pay rise. And in fact, it was majorly in the interest of the company, the enterprise, her team, everyone, for her to be well looked after.
And her big boss, you know, really argued back a little bit. But you know, my client is incredibly smart. She understands language patterns, she knew what he was really saying underneath. And she spoke to that instead of the bait that this person seemed to be kind of throwing in front of her to distract her. And of course, she got a pay rise. And it was just wonderful to see it was a nice big pay raise.
So it's not just about coaching. But I think as coaches, we can really get caught up in this idea that we need to know more. So when someone is specifically coming to you with a problem, you might think, oh my gosh, I don't, I don't know, I don't have the skills to kind of solve that.
But if you understand the language of specificity, and you can help a person actually clarify what's going on, because it's never really about the thing that we think it is about, we can support people with any problem, especially when you have tools to support people with the structure underneath that makes up a problem in our lives.
I know I'm not giving you, you know, like a guide to comeback like 'nah nah', something to say when someone is being a smart alec. But what I do want to invite you to do, is because I know that for some of us, there are certain times of the year, where we feel like we need to be a little bit armed with something. What I want to invite you to do is recognize different places and spaces in your life where you feel like you have all the answers, different places and spaces in your life where you feel really confident and really calmly, presently, powerful.
There'll be places where you feel proficient and competent at what it is that you're doing and what you're saying. And I want you to think back to the times when people have asked you difficult questions. Really, truly, we're not in those moments, of we're not always answering the question that someone comes to us with, we're trying to get specific about what is the root cause of what they are saying.
Someone might come into your office or come into your space in a place, where you feel really proficient and say, 'This is what's happened.' And you might go well, is it is that caused by this, this or this? And someone will say, 'Well, this happened and this happened. And this happened. And I'm not really sure because blah, blah, blah,' you might have more questions that you ask.
Our aim when we're proficient at problem solving, is to get more specific,…
…and we can keep that specificity. We know what the actual content of the conversation is, we understand what a person is assuming, what they're projecting, what they are believing. And from there, we can speak to that part of them and with the aim kept at where the conversation is going we become extraordinarily powerful in conversations.
We do win arguments, if that's what we're trying to do, but it's not always about winning arguments. It's about, you know, keeping conversation on mark. So whether it is that you're a coach or you're somebody who you know, wants to learn the art of conversation in a way that is more than small talk, being able to really hear what someone is saying and respond to them in a way that they know that they've been heard. They feel seen, heard, understood, and you can also come back with a comeback where they go, 'Oh, she gets me.'
Then I really want to invite you to come and join me for my NLP training because I feel like module five, the art of communication is one of the most valuable things I have ever learned in my life.
And it's what, pretty much all my coaching sessions entail what they're based upon. But it has helped my clients -
converse with difficult family members,
connect with their children differently,
be able to express themselves properly for the first time in a therapy session.
negotiate houses,
negotiate jobs,
negotiate pay rises,
really stand up for themselves in situations, whether it be at work, or with a particular person, a relationship, a friendship,
stand up for themselves in business,
where there is an injustice or something's not going right.
And they feel like they kind of losing control and kind of take their own power back.
It's such a brilliant way to learn the art of communication, and really importantly, to have the people that you lead, the people that you serve, to feel seen, heard and understood and to truly be able to help them.
So the art of the comeback is really about you being present, and powerful, and knowing that there are certain places where you already feel competent and confident. And to think about what it is that you do in those situations that has you feel competent and confident. I'll bet you, I will bet you it's when someone presents a problem to you, you know how to make it more specific to get really down to the heart of what's going on. So you can solve it.
And I want you to bring that level of competence and confidence. Map it across, what do you believe about that situation that's different in this situation where you don't feel so confident, and map that across to this new area. Think about what it is that you believe in your job or wherever it might be that you feel really competent. And what is that you believe in this area where you don't feel so competent, and decide to believe something new about that area. So you can start really listening to people and becoming super awesome at comebacks, conversation, negotiation and things like that.
So I hope that this has opened a door for you. I really hope that this has given you an opportunity to realize that even though we don't feel confident in every area of life, always. That we don't need to make certain areas of life different because we don't yet feel confident there. What's important is that the places you do feel confident, you ask yourself what do I believe when I'm here? What am I doing differently, and you allow yourself to take those same beliefs, actions, thoughts, decisions, emotions, into the activity that you don't feel so confident at. Until such time as you master it. That might mean upskilling it may mean practicing, it may mean simply thinking a new thought you just never know change can be super quick.
So with that said, hope you've enjoyed this episode today. I hope that this also gives you some sweet opportunities for powerful comebacks by really hearing what someone is saying. And if you'd love to know more, I would love to invite you to my NLP training we kick off in February, and we are open now. So check it out at the link underneath this episode. I'd love to see you there. Enjoy having awesome comebacks.
Stay Curious, Stay open. The life you crave is so much closer than you think.
LOVE
Hayley xx
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