How to Get Out of Your Own Way
Every heard of the term “secondary gain”?
Its a term that describes the hidden benefits, or gains, of something. In our case, it’s the side benefit to staying put, staying comfortable, not changing, not breaking through the comfort zone, never getting out there and meeting people to spark relationships or grow business… and staying in eating pizza when part of you really does want to get fit.
It’s a total gem, as you can see!
Todays video is going to help you understand how to spot it in yourself, and what to do when you realise, uh-oh - I’m actually in my own way here.
So very sneaky! But don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
Can’t Listen? Here’s the Transcript:
Hello and Welcome Back!
So have you ever put all your energy towards something and you really want it but you're actually not taking any action towards it or you know what to do just not doing it? I hear this a lot, I hear people say “I've got some kind of block”. It's something blocking me it's something stopping me. I've got some resistance I don't know what it is. Well, I need to tell you that it's about being in agreement and it's about being in alignment with a hundred percent with exactly what it is that you're creating.
Now a couple of weeks ago I shared a video about how a 99% is killing you and 100% will set you free. This is a little bit more insight into that. So sometimes we have intention that is sort of aimed towards what it is that we want. But really there's also some intention that we want to stay where we are because it's kind of comfortable there. So let's say you're a smart guy and you want to quit smoking. Your intention might be 80% in that direction.
I definitely want to quit smoking it's good for my health and you have all the good reasons and you're ready to quit and you're sick of smoking but you're still not doing it a 100% and that's because there's still 20% of your intention kind of back here. Now to get you a 100% in alignment we have to actually look at this 20% and that's something that most people want to avoid. So they stay in this kind of limbo land where they really want to do something but it's not happening.
It's very frustrating.
Instead of just popping over here for a second look at this 20% going what's going on. Or the question to us is..
“What's the benefit to me staying where I am? Or is there a benefit and if there was a benefit what would it be?”
Now for a smoker the benefit of staying might be well it's my stress relief. It's my only stress relief or well it's my way of having a break from a stressful job. I go out and have a smoke. Now when you're aware of what the secondary gain is it becomes very easy because then you ask yourself…
“OK what can I do that gives me the same amount of break, pleasure, joy, and stress relief that smoking does? (That's not actually smoking)
…and you can come up with a million different ideas for what you can do so they can keep that level of comfort but move your intention to 100% of the way in the direction of what you want. So that's the first thing.
The second thing is to ask yourself “OK am I in agreement with where I'm at?”.
So sometimes it's a question of you know my intention is actually to stay here but I really want something out there.
And sometimes it's about being in denial about where you are today because it's be painful. So sometimes we're in a position where the reason why we're here today and we want something to change is because we've made a mistake or we’ve let some bad habits run our lives. And it's time to kind of make a change. Diving in can feel a little bit painful. I know that's definitely the situation with money for a lot of people in debt. So it's about getting into agreement with exactly where you are today and honoring exactly where you are today. And being mindful and present with what's happening and what is so that that's the place that you can make a change from.
In her book ‘Money’: A Love Story by Kate Northrup. She has an amazing activity that you can do. And I believe that this is not just great for money but for anyone who is feeling uncomfortable about acknowledging where we are in our life. And that is to ask yourself…
‘What memories do I have around this particular scenario from my life? or what negative experiences have I encountered that are kind of preventing me right now from feeling into this and just acknowledging what is and exactly where I'm at?’
And then it's all about digging into the past and going back to negative places. But it's about then retelling the story to yourself and saying “OK, how can I re-tell this story with me as the hero or heroine of the story?” So telling it in a way that says well this happened and it was really negative. But, because of that then this happened then this happened and because of that I was actually better off and so here I am better off with all the lessons that I needed and I can move forward. Right?
So it takes a bit of self-assessment So ask yourself you know am I kind of in denial about my situation? or am I digging my head in the sand and not really doing the things I need to do or am I kind of just I have no idea why I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. I’ll acknowledge where I am and my intention is forward? But obviously there's a little bit back. Ask yourself
What am I gaining from staying exactly where I am?
Okay, So I have a dare for you, as usual.
I want you to leave me a comment below this video and your dare is: I want you to look at your goals at the moment and ask yourself..
“Am I in agreement with where I'm at?”
If not tell me how you are the hero or heroine of your life story now? You can say it in a couple of sentences and comment below or are my intentions a 100% in alignment? and if not what is the benefit of staying where I am? and how can I achieve that benefit without staying where I am? OK.
So if you need to re watch this video and do the activity and I would love to hear from you this is a really great educational experience. I read every comment by the way so I can comment back and give you feedback on what's going on and some coaching too. So I hope you’ve really enjoyed this video. Now if you liked it please like it and share it and subscribe to my channel. If you know someone who could really use a little bit of help in you know moving things forward at the moment and please put them in email with a link to this blog post. And if you want more videos and weekly updates for me as well as first dibs on tickets and things and I'm releasing at the moment.
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So thank you so much for watching. See you later…
Stay Curious, Stay Open. You are the Omega.
